Scribblingz from the lunatic fringe… My name is Sammy Lee and I’m an addict.

First and foremost I am writing this for myself, as a salute to necessary transparency, an acknowledgment of new found consciousness, and a tip of my hat to all those who endured the madness and stuck by me… all I can hope is that someone out there lost in that wilderness of desperation, longing for a compassionate, helping hand, reads this and can find the rung on the ladder out of the abyss as I did 7 months ago…

By no means a ‘woe is me’, more a ‘wow that was me!?’

For too long have I masqueraded behind masks of insecurity, all of my own making and all a result of fear, small minded aperture syndrome and an ego so cunning it had me at hello…  so having been in intensive recovery for just over 7 months, I’m making the terrifying move out of the comfort zone of Institutional healthy hibernation and embracing life in all it’s slick, modern shiny sheen, invasive, social-media-saturated glory!

Great Scott Maaaarteeeey… this thing just hit 88 MPH so now you’re gonna see some serious shit.

Tom Waits once informed us there ain’t no devil, there’s just god when he’s drunk… turns out t’was I who was drunk, and would you Adam an Eve it… the devil made me do it!

So hesitantly- here be this silly ole fool’s illustrated life maps and recovery tree… one of my favoured tasks while in rehab, interesting to add; the life maps were supposed to be a simple word bubble flow chart on one piece of A2 card… so x3 A2 cards later I just kinda managed to cram a few recollections of my little ole life in thus far… don’t do half measures.

(truly hope that doesn’t come across as arrogant in any way because that is not the purpose of this blog whatsoever)

I do pictures better than words… but that still don’t shut me up does it!

Long story short is: I thought I could do this by myself, fuelled up on meetings, countless promises and stealthy willpower! Upon arrival by ambulance to accident & emergency for the 4th time, having continually relapsed to the point of being a psychotic, blood puking, tremor ridden, suicidal, nine stone skeleton, and now admitted due to another overdose… I realised two things:

I cannot do this on my own

and

I was done killing myself to live

The only fucker who can make that decision is yourself, not for anyone else, not by anyone else… total submission is the key to unlock the rest of your life from the jaws of this repulsive consumer of souls. 

 

When in doubt, when in despair, keep it simple… just look up, then ask for help.

Peace, luv and hugz.

Sammy x