“If you get the inside right, the outside will fall into place.” Eckhart Tolle.
The Way of Discipline – “THERE IS NO EASY WAY. There is only hard work, late nights, early mornings, practice, rehearsal, repetition, study, sweat, blood, toil, frustration, and discipline. DISCIPLINE.” Jocko Willink.
Discipline is the key to Freedom…
As soon as I started working on site in North London as a steel worker just a few months ago I knew my circumstances were about to drastically change, I felt the paradigm shift and began to prepare for the next phase of the journey. I began thinking of ways in which I could give back and conclude my time at Thorneycroft House with Transform Housing and Support. Then one of many random occurrences led to a flurry of creative activity. I was called into the Transform office (assuming I’d done something wrong or was going to be randomly drug tested/breathalyzed, which was standard proceedure and not at all a problem… kinda used to it now anyways) however, to my delight Lorna Lathey (manager) commissioned me to produce a painting as a leaving present for the CEO, Chief Executive of Transform, Paul Mitchell after 25 years of loyal service. Before this I had been asked to meet with Paul and a guest to give my story and explain how Transform had enabled me to get my life back on track. Apparently this resonated with Paul and he mentioned my story in his leaving speech, which in turn prompted Lorna to commission an appropriate piece of artwork. This really lifted my spirits and was yet another sign/approval nod from the guvnor (make of that what you will). So I got to it and also proceeded to make signs for both the Transform office and the House in which I had been living and now looking to move on from...Check out the story about Paul here…
As I withdrew from group meetings at the house I felt a natural distancing between myself an my fellow inmates, every Monday and Friday morning we all sat in a routine group catch up meeting, going around the room discussing where each of us were at in our recovery and any issues, niggles or kerfuffles that we wished to raise. Naturally there were times when we’d rather not participate in this but overall, I found it to be an integral part of being there and under the Transform housing umbrella. It became a part of weekly life and I looked forward engaging with my homies, not only did it bring us extremely close together, it enabled each of us to offer help and support to one-another regarding any life strife we were going through, discussing deep subjects in an honest and sometimes traumatic yet healthy way. With each of us a different stages of addiction recovery, living together under the same roof it was not always easy but… to sum up it brought about a true union of sorts and a camaraderie that I certainly benefitted from and will carry with me for the rest of my days, I am truly grateful and indebted to the staff and my fellow inmates, without which I would not be where I am today. My sobriety has gained such a deep rooted, concrete foundation and its all thanks to the loveliest people I am blessed to have spent over a year living with.
I strongly recommend to anyone in a similar position as I was (homeless, new in recovery, a wealth of financial debt/admin confusion and a detemination to rebuild my life in a disciplined yet supportive environment), to contact Transform Housing & Support and enquire about getting on board, it truly gave me my life back and pathed the way for today to be a better day!
This one time, at band camp… the high sheriff of Surrey paid us stray cats a visit…
I really could write essays on Transform Housing & Support and how it helped me, but there were many other affiliations, services and groups that assisted and guided me along the way over the past year and a half- (ever read the liner notes on album covers… well here goes) abundant gratitude and huge hugs go out to the following leg ends; Emma and all at Redhill Richmond Fellowship, Sir Tim Mufaswa and all at i-access drug and alcohol services Guildford, Avril and Gary at i-access Redhill, Jo at Catalyst Counselling, Dr Laura Dando at Southlea Surgery Group Practice Aldershot -for getting the ball rolling and having the sympathetic, non-judgmental compassion- that first enabled myself to open up and be honest about how bad things were… without you doc, I would most likely be dead! Karen Sweet at Talk Plus who compassionately endured my ramblings and taught me that honesty is freedom. Colin Thiede Lowe, Lorna Mooney, Dave Myers recovery counsellor and my spiritual brother big John Phipps at CRI HOMER Drug & Alcohol services Alexandra House Aldershot- incidentally where this whole recovery journey started back in 2014, The lovely Rosy May at C.D.A Redhill for helping me out of the black, all at St Mathews Church Redhill food bank for feeding me when I had nowt, S.M.A.R.T meetings, AA, CA, NA fellowships of Reigate, Redhill, Farnham, Radha Buttar who fixed my teeth in Leatherhead, all my heroes at Windmill House specialist rehabilitation unit, St Peters Hospital Chertsey and the superstar A-team at Transform Housing & Support- Paul, Lorna, Sophie 1, Sophie 2, Nick, Marissa, Bev, Rea, Lucy and jack, each one of you is a true rockstar in my book! And to all the other fabulous people who’s compassion, understanding and time to both listen and help has not only saved me from myself, allowed a way out of the mess I was in, but has saved countless other lives, giving hope and that all so rare chance at finding peace, happiness and a renewed place in society once again.
There has unfortunately (or some would argue -inevitably) been bouts of terrible sadness along the way, losing some of my fellow recovery gang to the dis-ease of addiction is all the more tragic when the people in question wanted and longed for a way out and yet lost their grip and fell back in… big Mark, American Annie, Epsom greeter Stephanie and dear old Bill next door, to name but a few;
And to my comrades who are back out there in the chaos of relapse, I know the hell that grips you, help is always at hand brothers and sisters and I will be here for each and every one of you if I can help in any way.
“Under a sky, no one sees,
Waiting, watching it happening.
Don’t hurry, give it time,
Things are the way they have to be.
Slow down, give it time,
Still life, you know i’m listening.
The moment that you want is coming if you give it time”
Please contact me, I will not ignore you, the only way this whole recovery thing works is to give back what we once received. No-one can do this by themselves, but with help and support, advice and guidance anyone can climb out of the pit I was once in…
All the above avenues can and will offer help, please don’t feel trapped, alone or ashamed, your life is worth it and there will be people around you; family, friends, pets, a record collection, a guitar or a life waiting to be lived – who will thank you for seeking help! I speak from experience here.
And to my brothers and sisters who are getting well alongside me, from rehab to the here and now, we all know- it’s a journey we shall forever be on, sometimes rewarding sometimes -a white knuckle ride/fight and battle of the wills, but let’s be on that voyage together, as together we are stronger and together we got well!
One day at a time I am recovered, but I am always going to be an alcoholic/drug addict and this knowledge and awareness keeps me clean, sober and somewhat sane today. For the rest of my life I will do my upmost to help those in need, those battling that motherfucking monkey on their back, my life actually depends on it as I am sure does many out there in the midst of the madness.
So what’s the deal with the title then? well… I considered Discipline a dirty word once upon a time, it stinks of authority and so I would much rather rebel than comply, but with clarity and elbow grease I woke to the revelation that the harder you work, the bigger the reward! and I’m not talking about financial or material gain here, I mean, simply put; if you want something really badly, then the likelihood is that you will do anything to get it… you would work hard for it right? Well after those rock bottom fall outs that consumed the ground beneath my feet I desperately wanted out of that hell and the ONLY way is through discipline, nothing is easy that’s worthwhile, I worked for my sobriety, I would go to any lengths to score or get a drink so why wouldn’t I repeat that ethical reality striving for freedom from that hellish place where I was drinking and fixing just to maintain some kind of wellness… to look/appear ‘normal’ and functioning to all around me, hiding a painful bottomless pit within that I could not stop filling with poison.
My advice: Find incentive, find purpose, find passion, find distraction from that fucking monkey on your back and power on through the cravings with communication, honesty, openness and try to search out a little spirituality, whether that’s in nature, a book, a church, music or even a fucking pet gerbil… it can be sought however way you see fit!
Just please don’t be hurtin’ no gerbils…!
I did all the above, but instead of a gerbil I got a Nev and a custard addiction… seriously though- my music was my salvation and being creative was my distraction, whenever I started to crave, or a trigger scenario knocked me off my logical perch and I felt that slide down to relapse territory start, I would have to immediately go out for a run, it didn’t matter what time of day or night, it didn’t matter where I was, it didn’t matter what the weather… to me it was a quick burst of adrenaline to push back the craving/urges and then some kind of serenity would be restored… this works in different ways for everyone, but for me this works, and I still operate like this madman, but a sober one to boot! Another tip: avoid drama… drama is the enemy, people who court drama and thrive upon it are not going to assist in the serenity search, but in time it will be these very dramatarians who will benefit from your serene, disciplined qualities. Again this is said through the still focussing lens of experience.
‘The past can’t haunt me, if I don’t let it.’
A CHOOOOOOON that came out as I was going in… I fucking love Kesha… Surprise!!!! (what rock credibility?) her album Rainbow is a really honest, uplifting and apt soundtrack for me, I run to it to this day and surprise, surprise it’s kinda symbolic now, go find your anthem and then dance like your on the lip of a volcano to it.
To be continued.
Peace Luv & Hugz y’all…
Sammy x
Post apocalyptic ballet 