“Truth is so much more interesting than the fiction we’re used to.” Casey Neistat.

Very much like the end scene in Labyrinth… I often say to myself; “should you need us” as I imagine, while looking in the mirror, seeing all the faces of my past staring back at me like a hauntingly comforting collage.

To my friends back home, before I entered rehab, to those who may feel I’ve neglected due to my sudden and critical life changes, and those I have met and lost along the recovery route- I miss each and every one of you, but I don’t believe in leaving people behind. No matter how lost, false, scatty or utterly shambolic I/we were in the past, no matter if we shared sordid times, indulging in epic bouts of escapism ingestion, spun records to the ‘funky green aroma’, following Alice into wonderland, made a racket together in whama-jam land or innocently traded quotes from Big Trouble In Little China and other 80’s classics over a brew or ‘a few’- it doesn’t mean I have purposely cut myself off or intentionally distanced myself! For that would be both hypocritical and against the very grain of what now fuels my sobriety… My aim- to soberly exercise humility and try to be an all round good bloke with a clear conscience, ego restrained and strapped into the backseat under an ever cautious, watchful yet humble eye.

I’m trying to see the Good in all of the past, no matter how dark my soggy memories depict themselves on the moth eaten projector screen within my noggin’. To complete my 12 step work- exorcising my demons and character defects as best I can, looking for my part in all of it and banishing any traces of blame, regret or ill will towards others. To have the awakening notion of anything bad that ever happened to me, and led to a dim victim portrayal, equate my own part in it, if sometimes only a bit part- or entirely my own doing… (in other words -take ownership no matter what) like the times I was beaten up simply for being a fan of rock music, standing out from the crowd… well, for starters… I was there, I purposely chose to dress different, to express feeling different, and I put myself there, furthermore- I must have assumed a cowardly, prey-like position or instinctively fought back when all could have been ignored!? So I don’t blame anyone else, no matter how wronged I felt at the time. We all have our wars/demons we are battling, and to quote Mr Eckhart Tolle again: (to the soundtrack of Kesha… it just works, okay, go with it!)

“Where there is anger there is always pain underneath.” – Eckhart Tolle: ‘The Power of Now’

So… continued correspondence has suffered as a result of my sober priorities, this has only been a temporary measure to allow time to find myself, and is no reflection of disdain towards anyone what-so-ever; it’s an inside job as they say in AA , and it’s been far more challenging than I could have ever imagined. As my sponsor Mr Mcloughenspiel says: it’s the staying stopped rather than the stopping that is the greatest challenge of sobriety. No matter where you are geographically or in the timeline shenanigans of life itself… true friendship finds a way and I know I have lost touch with many, missing important events, but I am in the process of reaching out and will continue to prioritise friendship and loyalty- as it means so very much to me… this is my current predicament, it bothers me greatly, I must do better… not best, but better! and this I am all too aware of. The silence/separation does not sit well with me, nor will it continue.

So this ‘phase 3’ of my own personal recovery journey… what of it then? it’s time to stop ‘being in’ recovery and banging on about it, having started with a strong and persistent desire… to walk it not just talk it- I’ve now arrived at such milestone destinations: Ireland, family, job, relationship/engagement, domesticity- rent, bills, grey pubic hair, dog walks… being a grown up, time management and the lack thereof, being true to myself, accepting ‘what is’ but not being defined by ‘it’, always looking towards the horizon allowing my vortex to realise itself, not being consumed by the lack of ‘it’ or trudging through the muddy trenches of lower-self mode resonation, not trying to reach/obtain things I feel I need, all the while looking after myself, but not as self focused as I once was… (take a breath Samwise) Because there’s more to life than just me apparently!? Staying in recovery mode would be equivocal to staying in education after graduating, rather than gearing up and going for the job you were training/ learning for… so I guess I’ve graduated, but It wasn’t so easy to start with… it knocked the giblets and stuffing outa me, but with repetition I started to click with a new routine and make good of the necessary sacrifices that had to be made (like moving on from the dry and drug free supported housing where I was living).

“Persistence and endurance will make you omnipotent.” – Casey Neistat.

Knowing when to move on was a fearful acquisition, increasingly feeling too much ease in my recovery bubble, there was a choice to stay (that would have been dishonest) treading water- but resistant and itchy- I began to feel as though I was doing the blitzkrieg bop butterfly in a tranquil shallow swimming pool… I needed to step up, step off and embrace the tapestry of real life, armed with the tools I’d gained and then carry them into battle in a kind of subtle, subliminal utility belt, it was off to graft I go.

Shameless site selfie…yep… guilty but graftin’!

Returning to Ireland with my loved ones taught me so much and showed just how far I had come, spending quality time with my famalamz in the homeland truly meant the world to me and I couldn’t help but thinking at the time; “god, I don’t ‘arf feel related to you lot”… not often one ponders that revelation with a gleeful glow in ones sternum I can tell ya! There’s gold in them hills!

Discipline in routine to do whatever is necessary is key, i.e- getting up early (no later than 5:00 a.m) feeds the importance of purpose… I will always be a dreamer/hippie type ponce, but to graft and earn an honest crust hardens my incentive to stay stopped (sober) and use the gift of life I’ve rediscovered. However -I’m pretty rubbish at dealing with the sentiments of leaving and saying goodbye, So in leaving Transform housing I did my paintings, signs, did that chat with CEO of Transform and have maintained an effort to deliver a promise I made to my dear ole mum: to give back and try to make the hardest of struggles back there (in the death rattle before rehab) seem worthwhile, to go from seeing me at my worst and fearing I would die (her words not mine) to seeing life unfold and bloom- fuelled by a determination and raised vibration.

Not everything is all mr bright side though… I have a issues with social media and communication, I feel it such an intrusion to real life and opens up countless negativity traps and pressures to appear to be ones best, humorous, great looking, socially active self, young, vibrant, ‘subtly’ or ‘accidentally’ sexy, successful and essentially one of the cool kids in the ‘in crowd’, fucking hell man its like being back at school at times …this repulses me if I’m honest- conjuring memories of exclusion and the pain of trying to fit in when quite simply -I didn’t! Who needs that shit, life is challenging enough without all that judgorama (I’m a square peg in a round hole kinda dude and always will be)!

“if you’re doing what everyone else is doing, you’re doing it wrong”… thanks Casey!

Sadly it’s a social normality to my generation now, and I struggle to participate in it if I’m honest, due to my past inebriated experiences and the dire consequences I developed living in the upside down, I abused it like a drink or drug- desperate to portray a persona that was appealing to others and not dying on the inside…an avatar of pretentious fuckable wellness, mysterious, debonaire and… a pathetic try hard fucking nob head. Let’s face it peeps, 90% of facebook, Insta and the like is a bullshit parade- a synthetic portrayal of real life… a black mirror if you like!? (thanks Charlie).

Ever considered broccoli an item of jewellery? Well watch this… you can thank me later, It sums up exactly what I’m banging on about, and is quite possibly one of the best live T.V Iggy Pop performances…

Nowadays I’ve the same enthusiasm and mindset of a 16 year-old me, (not so much the wanking part) wiser with experience and life lessons learnt, from navigating relationship breakdowns to dealing with all manner of clusterfuck situations, what to avoid, how to respond, to not react and generally try and operate on a far better plain. To find my true colour, then bloody well stick to it (to be the real me)! To stay in tune with nature and the spirit of the wild, big picture stuff, not small minded sneaky gratification, but long game perspective- all while doing it one day at a time.

The Demonoid Phenomenon…

The Sex, porn, drugs, booze, dishonesty, vices of old (I call the demonoid phenomenon) have power only because I attached that power to them, as I slithered through lecherous life channels/frequencies of distortion. It could be junk food, vegetating/laziness, gambling, self vanity/self obsession, self loathing/self harming -no matter what the vices they all necessitate to quench a lurid desire, to fill a void in the here and now, in this moment, regardless of consequences… the exact opposite of self harmony!

Try this analogy… so you’re happily in a monogamous relationship with a person whom you are blissfully in love with, life happens… An opportunity presents itself to fantasise being intimate with another person, then this fantasy randomly presents itself in reality, then the thunderous, excitable urge of seduction, to quench that desire and gain instant gratification can strike like an excitable fucking lighting bolt inside… right, it takes self control, moral conduct/firm footed values and an ability to see the bigger picture in an instant. it’s crazy just how this fleeting moment of instantaneous gratification will effect the grand scale of things! Feelings, repercussions, emotional fallout, dread, regret and remorse suddenly eating you up inside, and those you love dearly left devastated and hurting, all because of that sinister urge to feast on the flesh…

Well, this illustrates the relapse, how I feel about a quick fix drink or drug, its the same thing… -a fix! the point is; in order to overcome such heavy urges or lower self motivations in life, no matter how alluringly destructive, yet deliciously satisfying in the moment they can seem- one has to envision the bigger picture, see to the horizon, not just to the end of ones ‘insatiable craving’ …or ‘phallic marriage exterminator’, for that devious desire will pass and you will stand taller, prouder, stronger and spiritually intact… rather than- ashamed, consumed by regret and guilt, spiritually sick and soullessly skew whiff… it takes discipline to enable this but it is key to staying on the right track. None of us are bad people at the core, we have multiple personalities within each of us, always a good and a bad, a selfish and a selfless combination, a higher or lower self… its just about who’s at the steering wheel that gets to navigate which roads we end up going down…

Let me allow Chris and the Crowes to elaborate for a moment…

I believe that there is a collective social consciousness that we are ALL a part of, however some, or perhaps most, are not tuned in to that frequency. Often we jump on other frequencies veering off track, or we create our own frequency that separate us and cut us off from the collective consciousness… I feel it in meetings, in my family (man, I feel so related to them now more than ever before) I feel it at a gig or festival… The bigger picture of all this? We are seemingly very much out of alignment today, take native American attributes/ways of life… it inspires, demonstrates and recognises this necessary natural harmony/truth (of how we belong to the earth not the earth belonging to us), the modern political climate however -does not, social unrest, racial/gender discriminations do not, hierarchical wealth differentiation does not… love Island does not!

This detachment from natural alignment arguably leads us to self medicate or seek lower purpose and self gratification. Just look up people, life isn’t a screen swipe or a bunch of ‘likes’ its far simpler, and actually in each and every one of us to acknowledge or ignore… Perhaps not purposely, but as we digest what current society and media feeds us, we are programmed to consume and detach, always wanting more more more. What if the dude I just saw in a sleeping bag on the street has more spiritual wealth than the top dog atop a swank city block apartment reclining in luxury, who’s the better of the two? Happiness cannot be bought or sought through lower means of satisfaction and instant fixes, it can only be rediscovered, for it’s arguably in us all, buried beneath that thick lime scale like, age appropriate build up of conditioning. A dictated discourse we’ve all been subjected to since our brains and emotions started developing, post womb and sponge like, absorbing all and sundry around us. Conditioning is the key, it can be a blessing or a curse, but it’s all relative to who we are surrounded by, where we live and the social climate in which we are raised… there is no truth, there is only opinion and a pulse…

Or as Gustave Flaubert see’s it –

“There Is No Truth. There Is Only Perception.”

Thats my perception anyways,

Just remember…

These are good times… Damn good times!

Until next time, Stay Frosty y’all!

Peace Luv & hugs

Sammy X

P.s please check out my sponsor and good friend Mr Mcloughanspiel’s new vehicle (book and practice) for a lot of what I’ve discussed above, appropriately demonstrating in depth- the Higher/Lower self analysis!